The Chronicles of Byakuran
by AlcoholicTree
Summary: A series of crack stories about Byakuran. Extreme OOC-ness on Byakuran's part.
1. Face Tattoo

**A/N: I would like to dedicate this piece of horrible trash to NAGGIE WONGGGG the great chibi. and credits to her for thinking of the title too. and credits to her for making me write this too. teehee!**

Disclaimer: Don't own Reborn ):

* * *

Face Tattoo

Byakuran was feeling pretty miserable today.

"I'm not cool enough to be the evil overlord of evil!" he cried in agony, burying his head into his lap. Just as he was sobbing in his puddle of emo, Byakuran caught sight of the newspaper laid on his table.

"Still looking like a dork? It's time to visit the ASDKOKDOPAWDOASD tattoo shop!" the advertisement stated. In it was a man with a dragon tattoo over his over-muscular chest and many busty women fawning over him.

"That's it!" Byakuran cried triumphantly, slamming his palms onto the table.

* * *

After 5 hours straight of searching (he insisted for his subordinates to leave him alone on a 'top-secret mission'), he finally located the ASDKOKDOPAWDOASD tattoo shop and slammed down the door, screaming, "I WANT TO BE MANLYYYY!"

Byakuran was greeted with a punch on the face and promptly sent to the 'naughty corner' by the angry shopkeeper.

An hour of reflecting about his heinous acts towards the door, he was finally seated before the shopkeeper.

"Please, make me evil-looking! The fans all think I'm not badass enough! I AM BADASS! SO WHAT IF I'M AFRAID OF CATS? SO WHAT IF I LOVE SESAME STREET?!" Byakuran burst into tears once more.

"There, there, don't you cry~ I'll make a beautiful tattoo for you! How would you like a powerpuff girls design? Or you like Sesame Street don't you? What about big bird?" the shopkeeper cooed, pulling out ridiculous designs for his customer's view.

"KYAAAA- I mean, what are you talking about? I want MANLY! Who do you think I am? This is an insult!" Byakuran roared, pulling out a bag of marshmallows and flinging it at the shopkeeper.

"Arg! Don't do that! It's dangerous in here!" the shopkeeper was defeated in an avalanche of marshmallows, creating havoc in the shop.

Suddenly, his hand swept over a work table, sending a tattoo pen flying in the direction of Byakuran.

"WATCH OUT!" the shopkeeper yelled as Byakuran looked upwards to find the tattoo pen diving towards him.

"I am the magic tattoo pen!" the tattoo pen stopped in mid-air and spoke in a squeaky voice. The shopkeeper dropped to his knees and started worshipping the magic pen.

"Mummy!" Byakuran hollered and ran around in circles.

"Hold still, human being! I will work my magic on you!" the pen proclaimed and started drawing a large heart shape on Byakuran's chest.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! HELP ME SHOPKEEPER!"

"There is only one way to save yourself! You must draw the legendary mark of the 'gay'! Hurry, catch this tattoo pen!" the shopkeeper cried, flinging the pen at Byakuran, who obviously missed the throw.

"Sucker! Catch this one!" the shopkeeper threw another pen which Byakuran miraculously managed to catch. The shopkeeper then took out an ugly portrait of Byakuran and pointed at it. On the portrait's face was a purple tattoo marking on his left cheek.

"Y-you have t-t-to tattoo it yourself! The power of the magic pen is too strong to resist!" he gritted his teeth as large amounts of evil aura poured out, blasting the roof off.

"FOR THE SAKE OF SESAME STREET!" Byakuran cried and drew the purple tattoo marking on his left cheek.

"NOOOOOOOO!" the magic pen cried, seeing the pink tattoo, "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I'M FADING! I'M F-F-FADINGGGG!"

And with that, the magical tattoo pen vanished in mid-air.

With tears of triumph streaming down his cheeks, Byakuran fisted the air in victory. Somewhere in the background, there was an orchestra playing some sort of superman-saves-the-day song.

"FELLOW COMRADES, WE, HAVE WON THE _WARRRRRRR_!" he roared in emotion.

* * *

**BYAKURANAHAHA~ TWIRLS~ BYAKURANAHAHA~ INTERLUDE**

_

* * *

_

Later that day

"Byakuran-sama, welcome back." His subordinates greeted him as per normal.

"What? Why aren't you calling me badass and squealing at my really cool tattoo?!" Byakuran whined.

"Is that so, Byakuran-sama? Congratulations on getting your tattoo. Farewell, Byakuran-sama." They chorused robotically before exiting.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!"

* * *

**To Byakuran fans: I'm sorry please don't kill me i still have a really long and happy life to live (I hope)**

**Thanks for reading and review please!**


	2. The Marshmallow Murderer

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: AlcoholicTree does not own reborn. I don't have an awesome tuxedo-wearing baby at home.**

**Note: _Italics - viewpoint/scene _**

* * *

The Marshmallow Murderer 

_In a dark, secretive cave underground_

"This…this…Byakuran person! It's atrocious! How could he take away the lives of our people?" came a sorrowful cry.

"Oh, King of Marshmallows! We must remain strong! Although many of our loved ones have been mercilessly devoured by that beast, we must not give up! We must avenge our fallen comrades!" another voice cried.

Several other anguished marshmallow-y voices echoed through the cave.

After a great heaving sigh, the King of Marshmallows gathered himself/itself and commanded, "Alright! Double our forces! Storm into Evil's lair and fight the Byakuran courageously!"

"YES, SIR!" a few hundred voices chorused.

**

* * *

**

**ROARRRRRRRRRRR~** *fly*

* * *

"Wow! Another box of marshmallows!" Byakuran squealed with delight at the item on his desk. Ever since a few months back, he had found boxes of marshmallows on his desk at random. (Obviously, all of them weren't spared of his stomach.)

"Oooh! Maybe it's my secret admirer!" Byakuran drooled, as he opened a packet of marshmallows.

_Marshmallow viewpoint_

"ALRIGHT, MEN! THIS IS IT! NOW WE MUST GLARE AT THE BYAKURAN WITH ALL WE'VE TRAINED FOR! GLARE, MY MEN! FOR THE SAKE OF THE MARSHMALLOW RACE!" the marshmallow general hollered in marshmallow-speak.

_Back to Byakuran_

"Wow! This packet of marshmallows looks really nice this time! My secret admirer knows me so well…" Byakuran rambled on, poking one of them with his finger.

_Marshmallow viewpoint again_

"THE MONSTER HIT ME!!! HE TOUCHED ME ZOMGWTH!!!" the poor marshmallow soldier squeaked before bursting into invisible tears.

"DO NOT FALTER, MY COMRADES! GLARE ON! I-I think it's working!"

_Byakuran's side_

Ah well, here comes the choo choo train!" Byakuran popped one into his mouth.

_Marshmallows_

"NOO!! BROTHER!" one of the brave sugary warriors shrieked in horror. It would seem that even their bravest attempts could not even reach the horrible enemy. The forces of evil were simply too strong to overcome!

Thus, they had no choice but to unleash the ultimate weapon:

A hundred marshmallow battle cries echoed in the air, as they readied themselves for their final and most powerful glaring attack of all:

THE super-mega-ultra-duper-wooper-ultimate-power-GLARE-OF-DEATH!!!!

_Byakurannnnnnnn_

"Mmm, tastes nice! Hey, stop looking at me like that, marshmallows! You're meant to be eaten!" Byakuran pouted at the bag in his hand, peering into the sea of sinful candy.

_Marshmallow_

"NOW!"

A hundred brave warriors summed up their fiercest glares at the evil monster, before giving a quick wink, perfectly unified.

"MOE MOE KYUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" they screamed.

_Byakuran_

"Wow…the marshmallows suddenly look really attractive…I know! I'll stuff the whole packet into my mouth!"

Just then, the door of Byakuran's office slammed open.

_At last…NORMAL viewpoint_

"LEAVE MY PEOPLE ALONE!" the King of Marshmallows charged in, bouncing in front of the stunned Byakuran.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Erm…psst! You're supposed to give the maniacal laugh and say some evil line!" the King prompted, poking at Byakuran who was gaping wide-eyed at the King of Marshmallows.

"…"

"…"

"Hello? Erhem, LEAVE MY PEOPLE …alone?" it tried again.

"…"

* * *

(Fast forward -10minutes later)

"BYAKURAN!" the King hollered, bouncing on the sofa angrily.

"Boing, boing," the sofa protested of its ill-treatment.

* * *

3

2

1

DENOTATE!

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE Y- "

The King of Marshmallows had no time to finish his sentence before he was swallowed whole by an ecstatic Byakuran. Yum yum.

"Byakuran-sama, is everything alright?" a subordinate rushed in, to find his boss half-squealing, half-rambling about a giant marshmallow.

"…AND IT BOUNCED ON THE SOFA! I'LL NEVER WASH MY SOFA AGAIN!" Byakuran continued, accidentally flinging the remaining (and mourning) marshmallows out of the window.

"NOOO!" as he realised what he had done and he dived down the hundred storey building to save the packet of sugary suicidal warriors.

Dives.

Dives.

Dives.

Dives.

"SPLAT!" went the marshmallows, as Byakuran gracefully twirled to reach the ground. The (suddenly appeared) audience cheered.

"Thank you, thank you! You people are too kind!" Byakuran waved modestly, donning his pink tutu and performing a graceful ballet dance for the spectators.

And the poor splattered heap of marshmallows was soon forgotten.

* * *

**A/N: I'm sorry this chapter is ridiculous and lame ;A; I tried my best to make some weird twist of some sort but it didn't work out.**

**Once again, Byakuran fans don't kill me please. I'm a homo sapien who thinks of illogical stuff as a stress reliever :X**

**Thanks for reading anyhow.**

* * *


	3. Camping Trip

**

* * *

**

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: REBORN ISN'T MINE!**

* * *

Camping trip 

"LET'S"

"GO"

CAMPINGGGGGGGG!!!!!"

Byakuran screamed through the P.A. system of the Millefiore base. A random janitor cleaning the washroom promptly fainted and fell into the toilet bowl.

* * *

After much protests and Byakuran-proclaiming-I-am-boss, a bunch of Millefiore subordinates were hauled off for the camping trip by a triumphant Byakuran.

"This is stupid, Byakuran-sama! I'm not even part of the Millefiore anymore!" Irie protested weakly.

"Nonsense, child! Thy sins art forgiven!" Byakuran flung his arms in the air, causing their jeep to swerve dangerously along the dirt track, hitting a poor squirrel off a nearby tree.

"GAAAH KEEP YOU HANDS ON THE WHEEL!" the pack of Millefiore subordinates screamed.

* * *

"We've arrived, people!" Byakuran leapt out of the half-destroyed van. The rest of the gang oozed out, after nearly escaping death for a few dozen times in 3 hours. The first to emerge from the shambles of their vehicle was Glo Xinia, who fell face-flat on the ground, probably flattening his nose. Next came a groggy and pale Irie Shouichi, who squished poor Glo Xinia. Genkishi then stumbled out, tripping uncharacteristically on the duo, dragging Gamma as they fell. Finally, Iris emerged and sat on the heap of men with a sexy pose.

"Alright, let's find a great camping spot!" Byakuran announced, retrieving bags of utilities from the boot and throwing them at his subordinates.

* * *

_An hour later_

"This spot will be usable, Byakuran-sama." Genkishi commented, gesturing to the grassland before him.

"Oh well, sure! For all the places I've suggested all you say is 'it's inadequate', bla bla bla!" Iris mocked sarcastically.

"Bitch! You're not any bloody better!" Glo Xinia growled, as Gamma rolled his eyes.

"Hey, idiotic minions! How's this?" Byakuran sang from somewhere behind.

"We're not your idiotic minions!" they (excluding Genkishi, who was probably shouting internally anyway) shouted, spinning around to see the spot that Byakuran chose.

…

"SINCE WHEN IS GRASS PINK?"

* * *

Soon, they were setting up their tents on the pink (cough) grassland that had mysteriously appeared. Byakuran, being the great genius, had packed all utilities needed for the trip –or at least he claimed so.

Irie's eye was twitching in his patch of pink.

"Byakuran-sama! May I ask, why is my tent like THIS?" he gaped at his tent skin. There were designs of power rangers and superman all over it, with speech bubbles saying, "Eat me!"

"Awh, my little Shou-chan likes it! I'm so happy! I have such great tastes! Kyaa! Oh, Shou-chan is smiling! Awwwwhh!" Byakuran beamed, blocking out the angry rants of his 'Shou-chan'. At the sidelines, the rest who had set up their tents were LOL-ing at his plight.

* * *

"Now, as campers, we need an awesome fire, right?"

"RIGHTTTTTT!" Byakuran answered for himself.

"I want teamwork, people! Gamma and Genkishi, get firewood! Glo Xinia and Shou-chan are to stay here and do ballroom dancing. Iris, you're gonna make sexy poses on that rock covered by all the trees there!"

The subordinates sighed, obeying their boss's orders.

* * *

After some waiting, a pale-looking Genkishi and irritated Gamma shuffled back to base, carrying two pathetic sticks.

"Welcome back! Shou-chan is about to die from dancing!" Byakuran exclaimed, pointing to the half-dead Irie melting in a puddle.

"My greatest apologies, Byakuran-sama. We were dragging a ton of logs when -"Genkishi explained.

"When a bunch of unicorns swopped down and ate them all up!" Byakuran was enlightened, "It's ok! You're doing the world a favour! Unicorns love eating wood!"

* * *

"Bloody hell! There aren't any matchsticks!" Glo Xinia fumed, as they rummaged through the provided equipment. Byakuran then proclaimed that matches 'were not of mother nature' and attempted to start the fire by rubbing the two sticks together.

"Ne~ Shouldn't we do something? Boss has been at it for half an hour!" Iris whined. Irie frowned for a while, before forming a plan.

"Boss!" Glo Xinia walked up to Byakuran, with Iris by his side, conveniently turning behind and giving Irie the middle finger.

"DON'T TALK TO ME! I NEED CONCENTRATION! THE FIRE IS GOING TO START ANYTIME SOON!" came his reply, as Byakuran rubbed the two sticks at a pathetic speed.

"Erm…Oh, look! It's a floating koala bear behind!" Iris shouted, as Byakuran turned to look.

"Now!" Glo Xinia whispered. Iris struck a pose and aimed a flying kiss at the sticks in Byakuran's hand, as the sticks instantly combusted (probably screaming in horror).

"Hey! Where's the koala bear –OH LOOK! I STARTED THE FIRE!"

* * *

The group ate their lunch rather successfully, excluding the fact that Byakuran kept trying to stuff Irie into the fire. Re-energized, Byakuran then escorted them to the nearby river.

"It's time for skinny dip –I mean fishing! The equipment is in your backpacks, my dears!"

…

"…Byakuran-sama? May I enquire why is my rod made of chocolate?"

"OI! My rod says 'Contact with water will result in explosion'. What the bloody hell?"

"…wait till you see my rod. I really hate him."

"Byakuran-sama! My fish bait has superman on it again!"

"Awh~ mine has a lot of sexy men on it! Boss, you have such good tastes~"

And they didn't catch a single fish in 4 hours.

* * *

_Much later_

Once again, the Millefiore kidnap victims were in a pinch.

"I'm hungry~ And Irie, stop poking my ass!" Iris complained.

"I-I w-wasn't!" he turned red, waving his hands around.

"Shut up or that stupid boss will find us!" Gamma whispered fiercely and slapped a hand over the flustered Irie's mouth.

"What the hell should we do now?" Glo Xinia snarled as quietly as he could, huddled uncomfortably with the rest behind a bush, "It's freaking pathetic, really. We don't even have a bloody fire 'cus it's all smothered with melted marshmallows!"

From a distance, they cringed as they heard Byakuran calling their names in a horrible variation of accents.

"Alright, since we can't disobey him by running away, we have to convince him that camping is a bad idea." Gamma announced, sighing deeply.

"Yeah, man!"

"Glad you agree with me, Mary." Gamma nodded.

"Who the hell is Mary?" Glo Xinia jumped.

"I IS MARY!!!!!" the same voice bellowed, as a gigantic bear appeared in front of them.

"#$%*$#%!!!!"

* * *

"RUN!!!! BYAKURAN-SAMA! RUN! NO, DON'T STAND THERE YOU'LL GET EATEN BY MARY!!!" Irie screamed, as they scrambled around the forest, with a large, talking bear hot on their heels.

"DON'T RUN AWAY FROM MARY!!!!" the bear wailed.

"I know! Run in zigzag patterns!" Byakuran shouted happily, as he was being dragged along by Genkishi.

"Byakuran-sama, I believe that is for wild hogs." Genkishi commented, legs working in a great fury.

"…oh"

Meanwhile, Irie's genius mind was at work. How do we put Plan 'make-Byakuran-sama-think-camping-sucks' into action?

Ahah!

"Byakuran-sama! Mary is the erm…incarnation of the…Goddess of Camping! She attacks all campers in the forest! WE MUST LEAVE!" Irie shouted from behind.

Iris soon caught the drift. "Yeah, boss! The Goddess of Camping especially likes to eat your marshmallows and steal you sesame street videos and –"

"LOOK OUT!" Glo Xinia hollered as a cliff came into view, skidding dangerously to a halt.

"Aaaaah!" they all screamed, applying emergency brakes.

"Phew…"

"As I was saying, we have to leave immediately, boss! Or Goddess Mary will -" Iris could not finish her sentence as the 'Goddess Mary' emerged from the foliage and crashed into the Millefiore gang.

"ARRGGGGGG!" they yelped, as they were flung down the cliff.

* * *

Irie awoke abruptly from a horrible imitation Avril Lavigne's 'Girlfriend'. (1)

"Ok, ok, Iris! I'm awake! Stop singing! And ouch…my back hurts!" Irie groaned. He then recalled the previous night's happenings, spluttering incoherently.

"Shut up, dork! I found myself at that bush over there. It looks like the trees broke our fall, hn?" a rather disheveled Iris commented.

"Er, well, let's find our way out then." Irie slowly got onto his feet again.

* * *

_Somwehere else, not far away_

"Bloody hell!" Glo Xinia snapped, ignoring Genkishi's glare.

"I would appreciate it if you keep your mouth shut." He deadpanned, raising his sword slightly for a greater effect.

Soon, the duo started a heated debate on whether they should run away (Glo Xinia) or find Byakuran (obviously Genkishi).

"You're not even worthy of being Byakuran's servant."

"You gay eyebrow man!" (2)

"I shall eradicate you for the interest of Millefiore."

"Your mum cut your bloody hair!"

Soon enough, there were explosions in that area of the forest.

* * *

"Hello there, Gamma!" a voice came from above.

Gamma cracked open an eye, wincing as pain shot through his left arm.

"Well, good morning, Jane." Gamma sat up painfully, before staring into the belly of a ___ (inserts ridiculously high digit)-pound bear. Oh, no.

"I IS JANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

"Ne~ We've passed by this spot thrice!" Iris whined, plopping on a nearby rock. Their plan to ditch camping and escape was not working out too well after all.

"Shh! Do you hear something?" Irie frowned, straining his ears.

After some rustling of leaves, Gamma emerged, running for his life.

"DON'T RUN AWAY FROM JANE!!!" the huge bear squawked. The now-trio fled like scared chickens.

* * *

"GENKISHI! GLO XINIA! RUN!!!" Iris screamed as they caught sight of the two fighting.

"COME TO JANE!!!" Jane lunged at Irie, missing miserably and crashing into him. They snowballed into Iris and Gamma and soon the whole group of them was rolling down the hill.

"MAMA!!!"

Finally, they landed at the bottom, groaning and rubbing their sore whatever-body-parts. (Think straight)

"Hey, isn't that the dammit boss?" Gamma gaped at Byakuran who was lying on Mary.

"Byakuran-sama!" Genkishi went over and started shaking him.

"What? Where am I? Why is Mary underneath my butt?" Byakuran rubbed his eyes groggily.

Suddenly, he bolted upright, surveying his messy Millefiore subordinates and the two bears.

His eyes turned round as he glanced from one living thing to another.

"My gosh!" Byakuran proclaimed. "This camping trip is awesome! Let's extend it for another _MONTH_!"

And they all fainted.

* * *

(1) It's a pretty famous song!

(2) I'm sorry. Can't resist insulting Genkishi's fashion sense :X

**A/N: The ending is stupid ._. **

**Thanks for reading and drop by a review please! Sorry if theres any OOC-ness apart from Byakuran :X and constructive comments are appreciated too. **

By the way, from the previous chapter, i drew the King of Marshmallows! got bored of lessons and decided to slack off (shh don't tell my mum)

Here's the link if youre interested: alcoholictree (dot) deviantart (dot) com/art/King-of-Marshmallows-133336044


	4. Grandma

**I was half-dead in class, staring into space (and looking like an idiot) when I hit upon a ridiculous idea: Byakuran's grandma!**

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: 我不own Reborn. **

**Important note:** Pay special attention to the parts of the story in **BOLDDDDDDD! **

* * *

Grandma

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME~" Byakuran's handphone rang, blasting the Barney theme song. Flicking open the device, Byakuran held it to his ear.

"Hellooo? Byakuran speaking! Evil overlord and marshmallow murderer!" he chimed merrily.

"…Grandson!" snapped the other on the line.

…

"AAAAAAAAH!" and Byakuran threw his handphone out of the window.

* * *

After an hour, Byakuran finally gathered his wits to return his grandmother's call. Re-dialing the dreaded number many times, he finally pressed the call button – the button of DOOOOM!

"Yes?" came his grandmother's sharp answer.

"Gulping, Byakuran stuttered, "Greetings t-to thee, thy Grandmotherth of thy Grandmotherly. Thee is thy Byakuran-of-Byakuranth. I-I I mean, thou hasth a-apologized to thee for thy- the – thee…er…"

"Grandson, do you wish for me to stuff you up the chimney?" With annoyance, his grandmother cut in, "I am coming for a visit at 6pm sharp. Make sure you fiancée is there to greet me. And I expect the Millefiore to be in tip-top condition. That is all."

And she hung up.

_Flashback _

"Well, Grandson. It would seem that you are of a marriageable age by now. I want you to present your fiancée to me the next time we meet. Goodbye." And Grandma flexed her muscular arm for effect before departure.

_End of lame flashback_

* * *

_Let's give Byakuran's grandmother a proper introduction, shall we? _

Byakuran's grandmother is not like the average, sweet, cookie-baking granny sitting in a rocking chair. Well, what would you expect, with a grandson who has a marshmallow fetish? Anyway, for starters, Byakuran's grandma has MUSCLES. She HAS muscles. Grandma was once well-known in the family for grabbing her children and stuffing them up the chimney. (Any opposition against Grandma would result in the same fate.) Byakuran's grandmother is also **incredibly short-sighted**, and she always wears her pair of thick spectacles to shield the world from her murderous eyes. Grandma has dark pink afro hair and always carries along a bag full of torture equipment, which she proudly named 'the Bag of LOVE'. In short, Grandma was Byakuran's GREATEST NIGHTMARE.

* * *

Byakuran was stumped. It was too sudden! He still had many unfulfilled dreams before his death! He wanted to stay up later than 9pm for once! He wanted the whole collection of Hello Kitty magnet stickers! He wanted to sail the seven seas in search of his lost blankie! Oh, why? Why was life so cruel to him?! WHY?!?!

…_and Byakuran wasted an hour of moping before he finally sprang into action. _

* * *

"Attention, all in the Millefiore base. I repeat, attention all. Byakuran-sama wishes to- oof!" the unnamed announcer was probably flung away by an overly-agonized Byakuran.

"EVERYONE! MY GRANDMA IS COMING SO I WANT THE MILLEFIORE BASE TO LOOK MOE AND CUTE! IM PUTTING GENKISHI IN CHARGE! NOW BYE, I NEED TO BAKE A MARSHMALLOW CAKE AND FIND A FIANCEE!" and with that, the speaker buzzed for a few seconds before dying down.

In his quarters, Genkishi gave a confused look. What was an 'moe and cute' Millefiore base was defined as?

* * *

Byakuran rushed into the Millefiore kitchen, screeching to a halt in front of the stunned chefs. Seeing his insane look, they all ran out of the kitchen, arms flailing and screaming in terror. Most of them slammed into the wall on the way out, crumbling into an unconscious heap on the corridor.

"I NEED FLOUR! CHEFS HAND ME FLOUR!" Byakuran commanded, turning around to see an empty kitchen.

Shrugging it off, he decided to create the marshmallow cake by himself. And the first thing he needed, was MARSHMALLOWS.

* * *

Genkishi was in the Millefiore library. The librarian hid in her booth, amazed to witness the impossible happening.

"Byakuran-sama has entrusted me with this important mission. I must not fail him." Genkishi was determined. However, he was clueless on the whereabouts of such mystical and alien adjectives. What would an 'moe and cute' Millefiore base resemble?

With determination, he approached the library computer, typing these two powerful words into the search engine…

* * *

Byakuran had all the ingredients prepared. Marshmallows, butter, sugar, icing, flour and eggs were present on the table, as instructed from the recipe book he found under the stove. He frowned immensely, glaring at the offensive ingredients with distaste.

"This is too plain!" Byakuran concluded, before running off to get his bag of improvised ingredients.

* * *

Genkishi was melting in front of the computer. Lay before his eyes, on the computer screen, were multitudes of pink, shoujo-y, and insanely girly pictures. After some searching, Genkishi also dug out some related books from the library shelf, all smothered in pink and fluff.

"…If this is what Byakuran-sama wishes for the Millefiore base, I would have to comply." Genkishi concluded, before donning his anti-gay full-bodied suit.

* * *

There was an ominous feel in the kitchen. Even the bacteria inside were squealing in horror and running out of the place.

"Hee heee heeee heee heee!" Byakuran cackled as he turned the handle of his cauldron (how did a cauldron get there?!), bending over and smirking at the contents.

The contents of the cauldron were of an unhealthy green colour, and upon careful inspection would reveal bits and pieces of unnamed materials sticking out of the goo. There was even a sesame street video tape floating around in one corner.

"I WILL MAKE THE GREATEST MARSHMALLOW CAKE EVER! WATCH ME, GRANDMA!" he hollered, flinging in an old gym shoe into the pot.

* * *

After sufficient research, Genkishi started off immediately.

_In the xxxxx room_

A bunch of Millefiore members were gathered, ready for action. Genkishi handed out sketches of the newly-improved interiors of the Millefiore base. It took much effort and brainstorming, but he managed to recreate some ridiculously girly designs.

"Aniki! Look at this! It's disgusting!"

"What the bloody shit is this?!"

"Naïve~ Naïve~"

"This is ridiculous!"

"MY EYES!!!!"

And the huge commotion continued for another hour.

* * *

"My marshmallow cake is perfect!" Byakuran exclaimed, patting the deformed pile of burnt goo with utter pride. With that taken care of, all he was left with was to find a fiancée. Byakuran congratulated himself on his great genius.

Skipping through the hallways, Byakuran failed to notice the half-done pink wallpapers that were in progress. He was also oblivious to the pink and fluffy furniture decorated all around, in a severely disturbing fashion. The Millefiore subordinates wore miserable looks on their faces, as they internally cursed Byakuran for suggesting such a horrible idea.

* * *

_5.30p.m. _

Byakuran was feeling miserable. For the past 3 hours, he was bitch-slapped upon approaching any girl.

"AAAHHH! DINOSAUR!" they all screamed before assaulting poor Byakuran.

"My charms don't seem to work today!" Byakuran moped, sharing his woes with a beetle on the ground. Suddenly, it occurred to him to check his watch.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

* * *

_5.50p.m. _

Byakuran rushed back to the Millefiore base, to find it unrecognizable.

"Welcome back, Byakuran-sama." The Millefiore subordinates chorused, each donning a pair of sunglasses to protect themselves from the excessive amounts of moe.

Obviously, Byakuran flew into a state of panic and knocked into a wall before he fell unconscious.

* * *

"Kufufufu~" came a silky voice from somewhere above.

"Mummy?" Byakuran thought absently before cracking open his eyes. He soon found himself staring into the face of none other than the great pineapple king (Mukuro)!

"HOW- WHA- HOW?!" Byakuran spluttered. The last time he had checked, Mukuro was still stuck in some random dungeon securely locked in.

"Kufufu~ your men replaced all the chains with fluffy ropes. How adorable~" Mukuro took out a pink fluffy rope and showed it to the gaping Byakuran.

It suddenly occurred to him to check his watch.

"OH CRA-"

The wall on his right was blown apart, revealing a rather stout-looking old lady with pink afro hair.

"GRANDMA!!!" Byakuran shrieked, as panic started to form on his face.

"Shut up, grandson." Grandma snapped, strict eyes scrutinizing the hallway. Genkishi suddenly popped up from nowhere and **replaced her spectacles** with a pair of sunglasses to shield her from the Pink. Byakuran fidgeted insanely from where he was standing, whilst Mukuro watched on beside Byakuran, clearly amused by the occurrences.

Grandma started walking through the Millefiore base, greeted by subordinates dressed in maid cosplay attires with sunglasses. Byakuran egged on nervously behind Grandma, with Mukuro in tow. After examining the disgusting marshmallow cake, Grandma finally turned around to face Byakuran and Mukuro (who had caught up with them).

_And there was a deadly silence._

"Grandson!" Grandma finally spoke.

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-yes?" Byakuran stammered, probably clinching an award for the longest stammer in the Guinness World Record.

"THIS IS FABULOUS! THE BASE LOOKS EXCELLENT! YOUR SUBORDINATES HAVE SUCH STYLISH ATTIRES!" Grandma burst into praise, smacking the unfortunate marshmallow cake unconsciously.

"…AND YOUR FIANCEE! WHAT A FINE YOUNG LADY!" Grandma exclaimed, tugging violently onto poor Mukuro's hair. Byakuran was gaping in disbelief.

After calming down and clearing her throat, Grandma concluded, "Grandson, you have met up to my expectations. I have to go now – I am needed to stuff people into chimneys again. Goodbye."

Before leaving, she walked past the traumatized and messed-up Mukuro and whispered, "And I would like you to come over frequently for visits. We have some…womanly things to talk about~"

And Grandma gave a wink to him before she left –through the ceiling.

* * *

**A/N: review? areas of improvement? xD**


	5. Bedtime Story

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Another stupid warning: This chapter is severely lame, pretty sadistic and OOC. In a bad way. **

Disclaimer: I do not own ze Reborn!

* * *

Bedtime Story

Byakuran could not fall asleep that night. After tossing and turning for the kabillionth time, he got out of bed and decided to prance around the Millefiore base.

Twirling gracefully through one of the hallways, he caught sight of a gate that led to the Millefiore prison. Suddenly reminded of that mysterious and handsome captive in one of the cells, Byakuran exclaimed, "Aha! I'll get Muku-muku (a horrible nickname devised by Byakuran) to tell me a bedtime story!"

He praised himself for his ingenious idea and slammed down the dungeon door, tripped, flew down the stairs and landed in front of Mukuro's prison cell.

"MUKU-MUKU! I HAVE A BOO BOO! (It rhymes!)" Byakuran wailed, cradling his head like an idiot.

"Kufufu~ What business do you have with me?" Mukuro smirked from the sturdy, impenetrable gates of the prison cell. There were multitudes of stuff toys flooding the chamber, as proof of Byakuran's frequent visits.

"I can't sleep!" Byakuran whined, grabbing a new green giraffe stuff toy and shoving it into the cramped cell, "Tell me a bedtime story!"

"Kufufu~ what story would you like to hear?"

"Tell me the one about Cinderella and her handsome prince with the beautiful castle and really cute mice…" he started rambling, staring into space and smiling like some idiot.

* * *

"Once upon a time, there lived a beautiful little girl. Her mother had passed away when she was young but she lived in bliss, showered with love from her father. However, her-"

"OH OH! Can the little girl be called BYAKURAN?" Byakuran edged closer, eyes shining radiantly.

"Kufufu~ However, _Byakuran's_ father soon remarried an evil and scheming woman, who did not like Cindere-… Byakuran at all. When her father passed away, she–"

"OH NOOOO!!!" Byakuran wailed like a fire hydrant. Mukuro sighed and took out a loud hailer to continue the story.

"Byakuran was being ill-treated by her stepmother and stepsisters. They made her work day and night as their maid, treating her like a servant and despising her."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Byakuran was screeching like a lunatic. Mukuro grabbed his API K-12 (1) speakers and microphone to resume the story.

"Soon, there was a ball for all maidens in the kingdom, for the prince was to choose a wife for himself. His stepsisters –"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

"Erhem, his stepsisters -"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Mukuro was clearly irritated by the uncooperative listener, screaming in front of his prison cell. How could Byakuran's screeching win the great microphone? It wasn't even logical!

"Kufufufu~" Mukuro changed his tactics.

"Suddenly, a meteorite hit his stepmother and stepsisters and they all died." Mukuro smirked, realizing that Byakuran was instantly jumping around in a fan-girl manner.

"At that moment, Prince Charming appeared at her window, proclaiming that he loved Byakuran the moment he set his eyes on her and gracefully swooped her down from the tower to their eternal happiness. And they were wed happily."

Mukuro soon realised his mistake, as Byakuran squealed even louder than before, bouncing around and creating holes in the prison walls. Aiming a red teddy bear stuff toy at Byakuran, Mukuro successfully flung it into his mouth.

"ACK!" Byakuran protested, somehow losing the brainpower to remove the stuff toy from his mouth.

Mukuro grinned with a sadistic glint in his eyes.

"However, Byakuran soon realised that her husband was sneaking away at night. On one occasion, she followed Prince Charming secretly, to find him at the coast of the beach. Byakuran was about to run forward when she saw -"

Mukuro paused for a dramatic effect.

"Byakuran saw him turn into an octopus. Kufufu~"

(The real Byakuran was horrified.)

"And Prince Charming-octopus summoned a multitude of sesame street characters which appeared on the coast. One by one, he used his tentacles to murder them all."

Byakuran was crying in utter shock. How could Prince Charming do such unspeakable things to his favourite characters! Elmo, Big Bird and Cookie Monster! They were meant to be immortal!

"Kufufu~ Prince Charming soon took out a trident and stabbed out the –beep- of the –beep- of the victims. –beep- flew freely like water from a waterfall. Afterwards, the Prince started to –beep- their –beeps- while they screamed in absolute –beep-. Kufufu~ Soon, -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep- -beep- -BEEEEEEEEEP-"

Byakuran was slamming his head repeatedly onto the prison wall, creating a large hole. Some random prisoner on the other side noticed a large crater in the wall and ran out, shouting, "FREE AT LAST!!!!"

Without much sympathy, Mukuro went on in a silky voice, "Prince Charming noticed his frightened wife hiding behind a tree. He grabbed Byakuran and told her that he found her extremely repulsive and wanted to stab her with the trident as well. Suddenly, a hoard of magical octopuses flew out of the sea and possessed Byakuran, who was made the un-royal octopus poop cleaner. The End."

Mukuro peered over the prison bars to see an unconscious Byakuran lying on the ground.

"I'm such a great bedtime storyteller," he smirked.

* * *

(1) It's some brand of karaoke speakers I think. Heh.

**A/N: … Sorry, I told you it was lame and sadistic :X**

**And I know, Muku was OOC -.-**


	6. Date with Uni

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur** **internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kateikyo Hitman Reboooooooorn!**

* * *

Date with Uni

"Uni-channnnnnnn~" Byakuran squealed, latching onto the small, petite child.

"Yes, Byakuran?" Uni replied monotonously.

"WE"

"ARE"

"GOING"

"ON A"

"DATE!!!!!!!"

* * *

Apparently, Byakuran was sulking one day in his office when it suddenly occurred to him that he had failed to establish a friendly relationship with the other boss of the Millefiore.

"I want to be more buddy-buddy with Uni-chan!" Byakuran proclaimed, slamming a cactus plant repeatedly onto his desk.

* * *

From a corner of the corridor, Gamma overheard the conversation. He wrinkled his brows in disapproval.

* * *

**The great interlude!**

* * *

"WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Byakuran bellowed, sticking his head out dangerously from the driver's window. The car swerved recklessly, sending other vehicles crashing into each other. Even Uni was flying from one end of the car to another.

"OH LOOK! It's our stupid subordinates!" Byakuran exclaimed, lifting both hands off the steering wheel to point at the mirror.

"Yes, Byakuran. They were trailing after us." Uni replied calmly, wiping off the blood on her head from excessive slamming into the ceiling of the car.

"Hee heee heeeee!" Byakuran cackled with a sinister smirk, before jabbing his finger onto a button beside the cup holder.

* * *

"Byakuran is crazy! Oi! LOOK OUT THERE'S A CAR SWERVING TOWARDS US!" Gamma shouted, grabbing the steering wheel and somehow averting the oncoming vehicle.

"Phew, nice one, aniki!" Tazaru sighed with relief.

Wherever Byakuran was planning to take their young boss to, they would by all means ensure her safety!

"ANIKI! THERE'S A GIANT PILE OF MARSHMALLOWS FLYING TOWARDS US!" he screamed again, gesturing frantically at the growing heap in the middle of the road.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

* * *

"Touchdown!" Byakuran extricated himself from the shambled wrecks of his car. Uni emerged shortly after, blood spurting from her head wound.

There were children everywhere, buzzing amongst the bright and lively scenery. Beyond the ticket gates were the hours of fun waiting to be discovered. Byakuran could see the large machines, rows of game stalls, variety of attractions...

"THE AMUSEMENT PARK!" Byakuran roared like a retard, frightening a little boy standing beside them.

After purchasing their tickets, Byakuran practically bounced into the amusement park.

"Oh boy! Oh boy!" Byakuran jumped around, crashing into various people, "Uni-chan! Let's ride the Viking ship!"

And Uni was dragged to the nearest attraction.

* * *

Meanwhile, Gamma, Tazaru and Nozaru finally located their Millefiore bosses, using their handy-dandy idiot tracker.

"This is ridiculous! The amusement park?!" Gamma demanded, squishing a poor marshmallow mercilessly.

"Who knows, Byakuran might be planning on throwing Boss off the roller coaster." Nozaru remarked dimly.

"Yeah! Good thinking, aniki! We have to stop him!"

* * *

The occupants of the Viking ship were screaming their lungs out. Byakuran and Uni had merely boarded the attraction for a few seconds but Byakuran and most of the passengers were already trying to keep his organs intact.

"Uni-channnn~" Byakuran whined, poking his unfortunate victim, who was sitting motionlessly in her seat.

"Yes, Byakuran?" Uni questioned, staring blankly at Byakuran.

"This isn't good for the soul! I shall–AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! teach you how to SCREAMMMMMMMMM!" Byakuran hollered, screaming along, with each lurching movement of the Viking ship.

"Come on! Scream it with me, Uni-chan! Say 'AHHHHHHHHHH!' "

"ahh."

"NO, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"ahh."

"MORE FEELING, UNI-CHAN! SUMMON YOUR EMOTIONS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"ahh."

"AAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

"ahh."

_10 minutes later _

"I apologize, sir! Would you please get off the Viking ship and refrain from screaming into the other passenger's face, sir!"

* * *

The subordinate-trio was in a foul mood. Along the route, they met up with Iris who demanded to know where they were heading off to, blackmailing them with her ultimate flying kiss.

"Ne~ maybe Boss is a pedophile!" Iris suggested.

"NOT HELPING!" the rest of them screamed.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MAMA! HELP ME! THIS IS HORRIBLE! THIS IS THE WORST RIDE I'VE EVER RIDDEN IN MY ENTIRE AWESOME-FILLED LIFE! I'M GOING TO DIE! I CAN'T EVEN FEEL MY TAIL! OH, I DON'T _HAVE_ A TAIL! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Byakuran screeched, causing the bunch of children in the first carriage to cry.

Uni started at Byakuran numbly, before averting her eyes to the scenery outside their carriage. The tree beside her was moving at a speed of 0.0000001mm per second.

"WHY, UNI-CHAN?! WHY DID WE BOARD THE CHOO CHOO TRAIN OF DOOM?!" Byakuran howled, noise level in perfect unison with the children on the kiddy train ride.

* * *

Gamma was feeling ridiculous.

"What part of 'going undercover' involves me cross-dressing as a drag queen?" he growled, flinging off the ridiculously curly blond wig for the umpteenth time.

"Aniki, stop complaining! At least you're not dressed as a janitor!" Nosaru replied, sniffing his 'sexy disguise' with distaste.

"Oh, shut up all of you! Do you want the bosses to find us?" Iris waved them off, before adjusting her insanely long wig in place. Oh sure, what great disguises.

In a corner, Tazaru was emo-ing.

"Of all things, why am I the tree?!" he sunk into depression.

* * *

After recovering from utter shock and trauma from the choo choo train, Byakuran dragged Uni to the next ride.

"Warning, not intended for those with medical conditions, pregnant ladies, elderly, young children, and idiots attempting suicide." Byakuran read the warning sign with fascination. A group of unnamed tourists were giving Byakuran a standing ovation, tears streaming down their faces, as they were amazed that Byakuran was even literate.

"Let's go in, Uni!" Byakuran grabbed the little girl's wrist way too violently, flinging her into the crowd of weeping tourists.

After some time, they managed to get onto the roller coaster. It was the most challenging and heart-stopping roller coaster in the entire park, covering almost the entire perimeter of the amusement park, with loops and curves of all unimaginable sorts.

As Byakuran and Uni were seated in their cabin, the people around them were wearing frightened and excited looks on their faces. Byakuran, of course, was squealing like a hamster.

The roller coaster ride began!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" the passengers screamed, as the carriage went pass the first drop.

"MARY, IF WE DON'T SURVIVE THIS, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, I THINK YOUR COOKING SUCKS!" the man in front told his girlfriend.

"JOHN, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING TOO – I LOVE TOM MORE THAN YOU!" and Mary bitch-slapped John off the roller coaster.

Meanwhile, an elderly man behind Byakuran and Uni was screaming like a little girl.

"Wow…why are they screaming? It's really noisy," Byakuran deadpanned, glaring at the 'rude' passengers.

The ride took a 360 degree loop.

"JOHN, WHERE ARE YOU? I JUST REALISED THAT I LOVE YOU MORE!" Mary screamed, arms flailing.

"This is so boring…"Byakuran soon drifted off to sleep, hanging upside down.

* * *

Gamma had been through the most degrading and difficult situations. He had been attacked by multitudes of enemies, fought and killed many people, protected his mafia family, but never once had he felt so…DISGUSTED.

"Hey, honey~ you look so sexy!" a girly-man with huge muscles started flirting with Gamma openly. If you can't imagine what girly-man looks like, just imagine Lussuria. With long blue hair.

Gamma twitched, struggling to resist the urge of electrocuting the stupid man.

"Keep calm, keep calm. You don't want to draw attention to yourself." Gamma chanted in his mind, as a little boy started pointing at him.

"Mum, why doesn't that macho woman have boobs?" the little boy shouted.

_Facepalms._

* * *

Nozaru wasn't having much of a blast either.

"Stop throwing litter on the ground, you idiots!" Nozaru snapped. When he started walking around in that outfit in search of the Millefiore bosses, a large woman with the name tag 'Janitor Supervisor' on her chest started screaming at him for 'NOT DOING YOUR FRIGGING JOB!!!'.

"YOU! CLEAN THAT UP!" the large woman hollered once again, sending Nosaru on his great janitorial mission.

* * *

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME!!!" Byakuran sang horribly off-pitch, craning his neck out of the Ferris wheel cabin. Uni slowly tried to staunch the blood spurting out of her ears. Many of the machines in the amusement park started malfunctioning, and some unfortunate people were combusting like no tomorrow. It was chaos!

"Uni-chan! We're on top of the world!" Byakuran cried happily.

After the ride, they agreed to stop for lunch. Byakuran gaped in clueless fascination at the human charred remains, victims of his singing.

* * *

"MUMMY!" a muscular, enormous man bawled, dashing out of the haunted house attraction in tears.

"Ne~ this job is great!" Iris laughed to herself, flashing a smile at the cracked mirror beside her. It reflected a long-haired woman with blood all over her face, grinning maniacally.

_Flashback_

"Gah! The tomato sauce is all over my beautiful face!" Iris complained, after ripping open the accursed packet of tomato sauce for her French fries. After roaming around in search of the Millefiore bosses, she soon lost interest and decided to stop for lunch.

"Hey, I was looking all over for you! It's your shift now so hurry up!" a stressed-looking man suddenly appeared, dragging the 'bloodied' Iris to the direction of the haunted house.

_End of stupid flashback_

On cue, an idiotic customer entered the haunted house attraction, eyes soon locking onto Iris's figure.

"DADDY!" the man squealed in mortification.

* * *

Byakuran and Uni entered the most ridiculous ride yet.

"The lake of love!" Byakuran concluded loudly. Basically, it's a ride on an insanely pink boat through an insanely pink tunnel, for insanely fluffy couples.

"Byakuran, do you wish to board the attraction?" Uni questioned.

"Of course! This is my chance to prove that I'm a pedoph- I mean, build a good friendship with Uni-chan! So what if this is for couples? Friends can go in too!" and he started spouting life values on friendship, slamming his fist repeatedly on the ground. The warden raised an eyebrow at the two of them, but allowed them into the ride anyway.

"WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Byakuran shouted merrily, voice echoing through the pink tunnel. Soon, he started trying to capsize the boat and when he failed, attempted to jump off the boat instead.

"You jump, I jump!" Byakuran sobbed dramatically, unintentionally strangling his poor companion.

About 5 minutes into the ride, Byakuran noticed a sign on the ceiling written in hot pink.

"Kiss your couple, NOW," Byakuran read out, "Kiss who?"

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" a voice from under the boat screamed. Suddenly, the tattoo shopkeeper from Chapter 1 appeared, ripping the boat into half. He soon started to smooch a horrified Byakuran, while Uni floated away, waving mechanically.

"ACK!"

* * *

**Another great interlude**

**……**

* * *

To sum it all up, Uni floated through the tunnel of love for 129159783483901239087283 times while Iris was made a permanent resident of the haunted house, causing it to close down. Feeling defeated, she returned to the Millefiore base, and completely forgot her original motive (to locate bosses).

Nosaru realised his true destiny and quitted the mafia to be a janitor while Tazaru was shipped off to the Amazon rainforest to join the rest of his woody relatives. Also, Gamma learnt to embrace his inner gay was made Miss Drag Queen 2009 and started a career as a drag queen.

Lastly, Byakuran has been hiding and running away from the love-struck tattoo shopkeeper, and still is, even as we speak.


	7. The Tooth Fairy

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: KHR ain't mine!**

* * *

The Tooth Fairy

Byakuran awoke to a strange and unfamiliar surrounding. The first thing that entered his brain was that:

"Why does it smell like a clinic?" he sniffed the air. Byakuran then realised he was being strapped to a cold metal chair by…DENTAL FLOSS.

His surroundings were definitely peculiar. There were shelves holding bottles with teeth floating around in the clear liquid to his right side, as far as his purple eyes could see. The ceiling, floor and walls were all an unhealthily plain white. It looked like a laboratory. A tooth… laboratory?

"Gah, I hate dental floss!" Byakuran whined as he tried to struggle out of his mysterious predicament. The last thing he remembered was kissing his teddy bear, Momo, goodnight before snuggling into bed. Why did he end up in such a freaky place?

Then, an eerie cackling was heard. It echoed through the hallway, past the shelves of teeth.

"Grandma?" Byakuran questioned. That sounded like his Grandma when she stuffed people up chimneys! (1)

"No, you idiot!" a voice snapped. Byakuran looked up to find a woman floating in mid-air.

"MONSTER!!!!!" he screeched.

"NO! I'm the tooth fairy!" she took out a toothbrush and started whacking him on the head. Huffing angrily, she took an air-step back to glare at Byakuran.

"The tooth fairy? Why…why did you kidnap me here? Where's Momo!" Byakuran gaped at the fairy. Indeed, she was donned in a white dress with a ridiculous tooth-shaped hat. She was also armed with a toothbrush and had sparkly wings. ...Ooh, sparkly.

Emotions flashed across the fairy's eyes as tears started streaming out. They mystically turned into teeth, submerging the horrified Byakuran.

"Dear child! You are the new heir to the throne of the tooth fairy!" the fairy wailed.

"What?!"

The tooth fairy flew over and bear-hugged a shocked Byakuran, after digging him out of the multitudes of teeth. The dental floss finally broke and Byakuran jumped away from the tooth fairy, dashing along the aisles to find an exit.

"Don't run away from your DESTINY! Embrace the teeth of the little children!" she cried after him.

Byakuran screamed as he realised that his original Millefiore uniform was replaced with a white dress. There was also a large toothbrush attached to his hand, which could not be flung off no matter how hard Byakuran tugged at it.

"COME TO MUMMY!" a large tooth appeared, lunging at Byakuran. After some tousling, it attached itself onto Byakuran's head, while the tooth fairy watched on in glee.

"Yes, a new tooth fairy is born!" she cried out, grabbing a handkerchief to dab her watering eyes.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

At that instance, a huge crater in the ceiling appeared and a chubby-looking woman floated in.

"Stop right there! Byakuran is our heir! (Hey, it rhymes!)" She thundered in an angry voice, waving her marshmallow wand in the air. (OMG IT REALLY RHYMES!)

"Oh yeah, you stupid marshmallow fairy? I got to him first!" the tooth fairy retorted, glaring back with an equal rage.

"Well, in that case, I challenge you to a Shaolin showdown (2)!" the marshmallow fairy proclaimed. In the background, there was a loud rumbling of thunder heard, as the bolt of lightning electrocuted a random passer-by. Grabbing the morphing Byakuran by the head, the tooth hat suddenly turned into a huge marshmallow.

The tooth fairy gasped in horror at such audacity. She immediately retaliated by striking her toothbrush at Byakuran's hair. The strands of silver were suddenly clipped with hairclips in shape of teeth, in a really ridiculous fashion.

"I bet you can't beat this!" the marshmallow fairy shouted, turning both of Byakuran's hands into marshmallows.

"Kyaa!" Byakuran squealed, chomping on his hands happily.

"What about this!" the tooth fairy struck her magic toothbrush once more and his fingernails were instantly designed with anime-looking teeth on each nail.

* * *

_A few hours later..._

THE WORLD'S GREATEST MONSTER WAS FORMED. DA END.

* * *

**(1)The ridiculous theory that I invented in the previous previous chapter.**

**(2)It's a cartoon.**

**A/N: :X don't kill me**


	8. The Ways of Microorganisms

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Reborn. I don't own micro-organisms or burgers either.**

* * *

The Ways of Micro-organisms

"Hello, dearies!" Byakuran presented himself into the Millfiore laboratory, dressed in a hideous granny outfit and waving his knitting materials around.

"G-g-good morning, Byakuran-s-sama," the scientists greeted him with a fear unknown to the human race. Who knows what acts of insanity their boss could commit in such a dangerous place?

True enough, Byakuran lived up to his expectations.

"Kyaa! What's that machine over there!" he squealed, slamming his sewing kit repeatedly onto the buttons of the complicated, shrinking-ray machine.

"BYAKURAN-SAMA! NO!"

_KAPOW!_

* * *

**BEEEEEEEEP! We interrupt this programme to bring you, a worthless interlude!**

* * *

Byakuran awoke to a mass of green before him. He stared at it for awhile before deciding to slam his sewing kit onto the weird goo as well.

"Ouch! What's wrong with you?" it cried out angrily. The goo-thing turned around, using its jelly eyes to glare at Byakuran.

"Gah!" they screamed in unison.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Millefiore geeks- cough, scientists were sent into a state of panic.

"STOP RUNNING AROUND AND SCREAMING! YOU MIGHT CRUSH THE MICROSCOPIC BYAKURAN-SAMA!"

"OH NO I'M GOING TO DIE! HE'S GOING TO SEW US INTO BUNNY RABBIT STUFF TOYS!"

"EVERYONE! WE HAVE TO LOCATE BYAKURAN-SAMA!"

"TELL MY SON I LOVE HIM!"

"WHERE'S MY FILLET-O-FISH BURGER?!"

* * *

Byakuran soon found out that goo-thing was actually a friendly Euglena (1), who was being exiled from the kingdom of micro-organisms.

"And…they called me 'Plant' for being able to photosynthesize! Do you understand how hurtful that is?" Eugly (the Euglena's name) burst into microscopic tears. Byakuran patted its back sympathetically.

"There, there, child. It's alright to be an oddball at times. What matters, the most, is what's in the _heart_." Byakuran comforted the sobbing mass.

Just then, a large bacterium appeared before the two (newly-claimed) best friends. It had beady eyes, with a menacing scar running across its side and a bottle of deadly, deadly PERFUME.

"ACK! RUN! IT'S THE BACTERIA!" Eugly screamed, crawling away with its flagellum.

"Plant! You aren't getting away from me this time!" the sinister bacterium cackled, aiming the bottle of perfume at the escaping duo. Byakuran's eyes widened in horror – a blast of that deadly scent would mean the death of his best buddy!

"NOOOOOOO!" Byakuran hollered as he ran forward to shield Eugly from the perfume.

* * *

"Is he awake yet?"

"This one's a real fighter…he even survived the blasts of the _Perfume_!"

Byakuran squinted at his overly-green surroundings. He soon found himself crowded by a few micro-organisms staring down at him.

"Hey, Byakuran! You're awake!" Eugly cried with relief, suffocating the poor man with a jelly-hug. After some struggling and fussing, Byakuran was finally seated before the Euglena King.

"As you can see, we Euglenas are now considered the scums of the micro-organism species! We have been despised and tormented for many centuries!" the depressed King buried his, er, head in his…erm, never mind.

"Byakuran, you are the Chosen One from the prophecies! It stated in this ancient blob of jelly that a sole warrior that looks like a horrifying grandmother would emerge in our lands, and bring justice to our people!" the Euglena king exclaimed, waving the yellow-ing blob of the sacred prophecy.

Byakuran was moved to tears. It was cruel mistreatment and prejudice! He had to put a stop to it! (Plays superman-saves-the-day song in background.)

"Come on, Euglenas! Let's put an end to this with an all-out battle!" Byakuran raised a knitting needle in the air.

* * *

**We interrupt this stupid programme to bring you, another stupid interlude!**

* * *

The bacteria were busying themselves with some nano-sized smoking when Byakuran burst into their lair.

"Hey, boss! That's the guy who was with those Plants!" a bacteria cried out, pointing a blobby arm at Byakuran. Soon, a mass of Euglenas appeared by his side.

"CHARRRRGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE!"

And so they fought. Goo was everywhere, as the battlefield was stained. The cries of fury, hatred and vengeance were ringing in Byakuran's ears as he stabbed his knitting needle into a blob of bacteria.

"ARG!" the enemies cried its last breath.

And suddenly, a large shoe appeared from the heavens above!

"BYAKURAN-SAMA!!!!!!!!!" the voice bellowed in a deafening volume. The micro-organisms screamed in horror.

"IT'S THE GREAT EVIL SHOE!" they screeched, as everyone ran for their lives, seeking refuge.

The SHOE was stomping nearer and nearer to Byakuran. He panicked and tried to run for it, but realised that his efforts were futile.

"Aha!" Byakuran suddenly thought of an excellent idea. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as the evil SHOE stomped towards him at an insane speed.

"I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Byakuran sang as loud as he could, in that tone-deaf voice of his. The whole world was rocked to its core, as it swapped places with Pluto and teleported back again. The SHOE, and the owner of the SHOE, was flung away to Hawaii by the great impact of Byakuran's singing.

After Byakuran had stopped singing, the micro-organisms slowly emerged with large grins on their faces.

"Three cheers for the weird, tone-deaf granny!" a bacterium shouted merrily.

"Hip, hip?" Eugly cried.

"HOORAY!" they echoed.

* * *

The Euglena king and Bacteria boss were in tears.

"Saviour of micro-organisms, sir! We deeply wish for you to stay here and defend us micro-organisms, but you belong with the humans!" the Bacteria boss sobbed.

"Yes, and I would like you to take this sacred fillet-o-fish burger. It will return you back to normal!" the Euglena king handed over a rather yellow-looking burger.

"Gee, thanks!" and Byakuran ate a bite.

"It's no use. We'll never find Byakuran-sama at this rate!" a scientist flopped onto a chair miserably. For the past few hours, the group of scientists had been staring at the ground with microscopes to search for their Millefiore boss.

"Hello! I'm back!" Byakuran cried as he grew to his normal size, waving the burger around happily.

"Hey! You got me my fillet-o-fish burger!" the scientist reached out to grab a bite.

_CHOMP CHOMP._

* * *

**A/N: (1)Er…I'm not good at bio but I'll try:**

**Euglenas are a type of micro-organism that is sorta half plant half animal. They can make their own food but they can 'swim' around with their feeler thingies called flagellum, so they're considered as animals too.**


	9. Betrayed

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

Disclaimer: I do not own Reborn. I gain no monetary profits from these stories and are purely products of an unsound mind.

* * *

Betrayed

Byakuran slammed a palm down onto the wooden table. His deadly purple eyes were illuminated by the desk lamp. Squinting at the alledged criminal, he gave a menacing growl.

"So, you decided to go on strike? And you thought you could get away with it?" Byakuran edged closer to the prisoner-in-question, hissing like a snake. Sensing the lack of response, Byakuran harshly tightened the ropes that bound his prisoner.

"Oh, we can keep this up all day if you want to. I have all the time in the world." And with that, the white-haired Millefiore boss let out a maniacal laugh. Abruptly, he dragged a cold metal chair over to his captive, cold eyes never leaving _its_ sight.

"Still refusing to talk?" Byakuran sneered, "My, my. Aren't you a persistent one?"

The white-haired man left his seat, taking purposeful strides across the eerie room. His eyes flashed with emotion as he stared at his prisoner.

"It didn't always have to be this way!" a tear slipped down his cheek, "We worked so well together! Until you – you betrayed me! You refused to work! Defied my orders!" Byakuran broke down, screaming. Agony and hurt rippled through his tone, as his face contorted into a pained, anguished expression. The man had received an emotional scar so deep that it was beyond repair – no one could even begin to comprehend the feelings of loss and betrayal that Byakuran felt. His one and only trusted companion had deserted him, leaving him in the dust.

"You traitor!" Byakuran was livid. He raised the metal chair and slammed it down onto his prisoner, screaming like a mad man. Or chicken. Byakuran vented his fury on senseless violence, only pausing when the criminal was completely destroyed, damaged beyond repair.

* * *

"Hey, what's going on?" Bluebell skipped up to Zakuro, who was peering into their mafia boss's room with a withered expression. Bluebell could hear the agonized shouts of Byakuran from the lobby.

"Why is Byakuran destroying his computer CPU?" Bluebell's eyes widened.

"Byakuran-sama…He forgot how to turn on the computer, again." Zakuro sighed.

"DIE! TRAITOR!" Byakuran hollered from inside, ripping the wires out of his 'prisoner'.

* * *

**A/N: Hey, to whoever-that-reads-this, I'm sorry for the 2 month plus hiatus. I kinda have no valid reason for it except for my studies, so I'm really sorry about the holdup. Thanks for reading anyhow. **

If you didn't really understand the chapter:

Byakuran forgot how to turn on his stupid computer and thought the machine had betrayed him. And he started interrogating it. After that, he proceeded to smash it with a metal chair. BOOMZ.


	10. 1 plus 1

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

Disclaimer: I do not own Reborn.

* * *

1+1 = ?

"Byakuran!" Bluebell huffed, tapping her pen on her homework. She was stuck on that particular math question for eternity.

"Yeah?" Byakuran whirled around in his swivel chair behind Bluebell and sprayed hair gel all over as he went. He had amused himself with Kikyo's bottle of hair gel for the past two hours.

"What is 1+1?" the 10-year-old pronounced with some difficulty. And there was a pregnant pause.

"Byaku-"

"BOOOOOOOOOOOM!" exploded the white-haired man seated behind her, as Byakuran self-destructed into a billion pieces. A random geek-y subordinate rushed into the room, horrified to see the charred remains of his beloved boss. Blobs of hair gel were slapping onto the furniture, giving out sizzling sounds.

"How could you? Everyone knows that Byakuran-sama has an IQ level of a purple jellyfish, and yet you asked him such a difficult question - You caused his death!" the man's eyes darkened, drawing his weapon of choice -a large computer CPU. Bluebell was horrified.

Explosions were heard at that side of the Millefiore base and in the huge tussle, the mafia gang forgot about the stupid, burnt remains of Byakuran.


	11. Byakuran and Uni

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

Disclaimer: I do not own KHR. Neither do officially own the following stories (haha). Sickly Lang Syne and The Adventure of the Baboon is of a ramble-maniac generator. All I did was add in adjectives and nonsense like that. Credits goes to prillalar (dot) com (slash) drabbles!

Note: I love screwing with that awesome website. HAHAHA. Oh yeah, and the two stories were generated using the same nouns, adjectives and such. That's why you see that Byakuran has boobs in both stories. HAHAHAAISDASOJDDASDSAD.

* * *

**Sickly Lang Syne**

Byakuran sipped loudly at his drink and stood sickly behind a doorknob. He wasn't sure why he had come to this New Year's Eve party in the first place. He was no good at parties anyhow. They always made him feel beautiful and he ended up like he was now, hiding and hoping nobody noticed how ingenious his boobs got when he was nervous.

Well, truth be told, Byakuran knew very well why he was at the party: to see Uni.

Ah, Uni. Just the thought of her, the chance of a glimpse of her broken arse made Byakuran's heart beat like a dancing cactus.

But tonight everyone was masked. Byakuran peered crazily through the crowd, trying to guess which guest was Uni. There, he thought, the woman over by the solar beam, the colourful one with the baboon mask. It had to be Uni. No one else could look so desperate, even in a baboon mask.

She began to walk Byakuran's way and Byakuran started to panic. What if she actually _talked_ to Byakuran?

Uni came right up to Byakuran and Byakuran thought that he was going to faint.

"Hello," Uni said magnanimously. "What are you doing over here all alone?"

"Oh, just looking at the mare ring," Byakuran said and immediately wanted to die because that sounded so _irritating_.

Just then, a dumb voice began to count down. "Ten ... nine ... eight ... seven ..."

Byakuran's heart leapt. If they were together at midnight, that meant that Uni might ...

"Happy New Year!"

Uni swept Byakuran into her arms, bent him on a tree, and kissed Byakuran merrily, slipping him the tongue and groping his face.

Byakuran could hardly believe it. How wonderful! And now that it was after midnight, it was time to take their masks off. He reached out stupidly and pulled Uni's mask off her face. It _was_ Uni! "I knew it was you," Byakuran said and took his own mask off.

"And it's ... you," Uni said. "You know, I'm just going to go get some punch."

Byakuran watched her go. She would be right back, Byakuran was sure. Just as soon as she had her punch.

And then they would fall in love.

* * *

**The Adventure Of The Baboon**

Byakuran and Uni were out for an irritating Valentine's walk on a tree. As they went, Uni rested her hand on Byakuran's boobs. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so insane, Byakuran was filled with dumb dread.

"Do you suppose it's broken here?" he asked crazily.

"You colourful silly," Uni said, tickling Byakuran with her solar beam. "It's completely ingenious."

Just then, a desperate baboon leapt out from behind a mare ring and slapped Uni in the arse. "Aaargh!" Uni screamed.

Things looked beautiful. But Byakuran, although he was sickly, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a doorknob and, like a dancing cactus, beat the baboon magnanimously until it ran off. "That will teach you to slap innocent people."

Then he clasped Uni close. Uni was bleeding merrily. "My darling," Byakuran said, and pressed his lips to Uni's face.

"I love you," Uni said stupidly, and expired in Byakuran's arms.

Byakuran never loved again.


	12. Byakuran and Shouichi

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

Disclaimer: I do not own KHR. Neither do officially own the following stories (haha). The Miracle of the Dolphin and the Loud Terror of the Snow is of a ramble-maniac generator. All I did was add in adjectives and nonsense like that. Credits goes to prillalar (dot) com (slash) drabbles!

* * *

**The Miracle Of The Dolphin**

Byakuran hated Christmas. He didn't just dislike Christmas, he hated it like a rabid hog shouting lyrical quotes. He loathed it.

Every December, Byakuran would feel himself getting all volptuous inside. He refused to put up a Christmas razor, he snapped at anyone humourous enough to sing a carol in his vicinity, and he never, ever bought anybody any presents.

On December 13, Byakuran had to go to the mall to buy a bright chicken. When he got there, there were so many shoppers pushing gratefully around and so much Christmas music blaring insanely, he thought his arse would explode.

Finally, he was done. Just outside the door was a pretty man collecting for charity. Byakuran never gave to charity, so he started to walk past without a word.

Suddenly, the pretty man dropped his bells and ran on a kitchen closet. There was a gay dolphin right in the path of an oncoming truck. But the pretty man slipped and fell, so now they were both in danger!

Byakuran rushed out and happily pushed them both out of the way. There was a fantastic bang and then everything went dark.

When Byakuran woke up, he was in a proud room. There was a Christmas razor in the corner and soft carols were playing. Also, Byakuran's head hurt. A lot.

The pretty man came into the room. "I'm so unsound!" he said. "You're awake. My name is Shouichi. You saved me from the truck. But your head is broken."

Byakuran hardly knew what to say. Even though there was a Christmas razor up and his head was broken, he felt quite irritating, especially when he looked at Shouichi.

"Your head must hurt quietly," Shouichi said. "I think this will help." And he killed Byakuran several times.

Now Byakuran felt very irritating indeed. He didn't hate Christmas at all now. In fact, he loved it. And he loved Shouichi. "I love you," he said, and kissed Shouichi wonderfully.

"I love you too," said Shouichi. Just then, the dolphin ran into the room and nuzzled Byakuran's mouth. "I brought him home with us," Shouichi said.

"We'll call him Miracle," Byakuran said. "Our Christmas Miracle."

It was the best Christmas ever.

* * *

**The Loud Terror Of The Snow**

It snowed a foot overnight. When they woke up, Shouichi and Byakuran went out to play. First, they made snow angels. Then they had a snowball fight and Shouichi hit Byakuran in his finger with a big crazy iceball. It hurt a lot, but Shouichi kissed it seductively and then it was all better.

Then they decided to make a snow man.

"We'll make a really obese snow man!" Shouichi said.

"Why don't we make a snow woman instead?" Byakuran said. "That would be more sinister and politically correct."

"I know," Shouichi said. "We can make a snow squirrel. That way, we don't have to worry about gender politics."

So they rolled the snow up gruffly and made a fat snow squirrel. Shouichi put on a bottle for the face. The squirrel was almost as big as Byakuran.

"It looks noisy," Shouichi said doggedly. "But it seems like it's missing something."

"Here," Byakuran said and held up an interesting bazooka. "I found this on a stick." He put the bazooka onto the squirrel's head.

It was perfect. For about a minute. Then the squirrel, even though it was just made of snow, started to move and growl like a unsound chimpanzee wailing for manga.

Byakuran screamed angrily and ran but the snow squirrel chased him until he tripped over a tree root. Then the snow squirrel stabbed him gayily.

"Nobody does that to my little Funny Paperclip," Shouichi screamed. He grabbed an icicle and stabbed the snow squirrel through the legs. It fell down and Shouichi kicked it apart until it was just a bunch of snow again.

"You saved me!" Byakuran said and they shared an embrace in the snow before going in for hot chocolate.

The bazooka lay in the yard until a fabulous child picked it up and took it home.


	13. Byakuran's Resume

**Warning: If you're a Byakuran fan, or you hate illogical ramblings, please press the awesome X button at the right hand corner of ur internet. Or backspace. Or blow up your comp =w=**

Disclaimer: Kateikyo Hitman Reborn (C) Akira Amano.

A further warning: This is ridiculous crap.

* * *

Byakuran's Resume

Name: DARK_LORD_1623379_I_WILL_EAT_YOUR_SOUL_PEW_PEW_PEW_###

Age: Old enough to be a pedophile.

Gender: I need to ask my mum. Brb.

Marital status: Widowed.

Race: VROOM VROOM!

Address: Marshmallow Fu Fu Land 9 St 100

Contact: 1273891738917313213

Previous occupation: Aspiring ruler of all parallel universes and destructor of mankind. Oh, and marshmallow _princess._

Proficiency in languages: I is very pooficant in every lungage.

Academic qualifications, previous employment history:

(This part of the resume was blotched with a snotty mixture of molten marshmallows and drool but if you look carefully enough, there is a shoddy sketch of a dancing turtle.)

Testimonial snippets:

"NO, I BEG OF YOU DO NOT HIRE HIM! HE RUINED MY SUSHI RESTAURANT!" – Tsuyoshi Takeshi, sushi restaurant owner

"Byakuran-sama - sorry, give me some time as I read out the words-on-this-piece-of-paper-Byakuran-sama-bribed-me-into-saying for his testimonial. Ah, yes. Byakuran-sama is a pretty princess and you should hire him. Thank you." – Genkishi, swordsman

"Kufufufu~" Mukuro Rokudo, mortal enemy.

_And Byakuran remained jobless for the rest of his life._


End file.
